I'm Not A Voyeur, But I Am Willing To Learn

I've never been much of a voyeur. Yes, I know, it's one of my shortcomings. (Is there such a thing as "longcomings?" - You're going have to do your own joke. Someone's at my door ...)

I'm also not big on gossip. (Catch your breath ... it gets worse.)

I couldn't care less who is screwing whom (or who, for that matter) unless my wife is involved (and that's mostly because if it's a hot woman I want to watch ... ummm ... well, I would if I was a voyeur, perhaps, but I'm not so they can just videotape it for me).

I also don't care who wants to screw who (whom is a different matter). Unless, of course, I am one of the parties involved.

There is an exception to the above rules, though, and that is if it's something amusing. (And since I am deeply disturbed, the types of things I find funny pretty much makes all the above rules unenforceable).

With that in mind, I bring you some amusing Google "suggests" (along with some from Dogpile and Ask.com).

For anyone not aware of what "suggests" are, I have to ask you this: Do you live in a friggin' bottomless pit? (And if you do, how the hell did you get Internet access?) How could you not know this?

"Suggests" are suggestions (see the connection? Is that cool or what?) many search engines give you as you type your search term. Some, like Google, start offering suggestions with the first letter you type. The suggestions change with each additional letter, as long as there are any matches.

The way the search engines offer the suggestions is based, pretty much, on the search terms most people use.

And that, my friends (and any of my mortal enemies who happen to stop by), is where we get the humor.

Here's what I conjured up yesterday:








Isn't it obvious? That ain't your nose you're blowing.








Yes you do, and we offer a fine selection of designer jars
with which to display them.








Just the way I like my women - easy, hot and fat!








Is this really a popular search term
anywhere outside of Alabama?








Then you'll be happy to learn Chinese people
are extremely terrified of the brain dead.








Oh ... My ... Gawd!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Didn't your mother teach you anything?

It's not polite to brag!








Dude! You really need to find new friends.








Umm. Let's see .. how 'bout, oh I don't know, spreading your legs?

Seriously, do you really find this to be that tricky?

He's a fucking guy, isn't he?

Damn girl, just take off your pants.

Hell, just smile at him and bend over.

Geesh!

(By the way, let's not tell your Daddy where
you got the answer, okay?)








I'm really scoring major points with this post, aren't I?








Not since my lawyer explained that stupid
"age of consent" crap.








You're not ripe yet.




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Britney Spears Wants You To Spank Her

Britney is a brat.

Britney has been a naughty girl.

Britney needs a spanking.

Britney wants a spanking.

Britney wants a spanking from YOU!

Britney enjoys chick flicks.

Britney doesn't like broccoli.

Britney won't ...

Oh hell, I've already added enough text to allow me to post a picture with this spanking game so here's how to play:

Just position your cursor over the area you want to spank and click your mouse as fast as you can to redden her cheeks. This is guaranteed to keep you entertained for all of 12 seconds!

Spanking Britney Spears

(Okay, so it isn't "that" Britney but she is named Britney and if anyone is in need of a severe spanking, it is Britney Spears so ... Oh hell, we all know I named it that so I'll get a zillion hits but let's keep that our secret, okay?)

88888888888888888888888888888

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And Love Equals Pain ...

Can true love ever be defined? How can words ever hope to capture something so elusive?

It's often said you'll know it when you feel it, but how do you know what you are feeling if you've never felt anything like it?

Like life itself, how do you know you've experienced the ultimate? How do you know there isn't something more sublime just beyond the horizon?

Have you ever wondered if there exists a purer love than the greatest you've ever known?

If so, you have never experienced true love because true love never questions. True love never pines.

True love just is.

Like It's Source, true love is beyond definition. It's the sum of the concrete and the intuitive, the subtle and the blunt.

It's how her smile melts ice, how her touch makes your toes shiver.

It's having long, intimate conversations with her in your head. It's how that always makes everything all right.

It's how her tears can blot out the sun.

It's how her laughter resonates long after she's gone.

It's how her scent dances on your pillow, her taste lives on your tongue.

It's hearing her voice in the soft summer breeze.

It's the shocking realization all your favorite songs were always about her.

It's finding her when you look in the mirror.

It's how you bleed when she is cut.

It's how you see sanctuary in her skin.

Most of all, true love is not running away when your bed of roses turns to nails - True love replants.

Happy birthday my love!

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Doctor Says Spanking Might Be Better Than Ritalin

Dr. Lawrence Diller, a California behavioral pediatrician, believes a good spanking might be a better choice than Ritalin.

All I want to know is: Why does it have to be a choice?

You think spanking is fun? Try popping a couple of Ritalin first.

Whoooooopeeeee!!!

You will redefine "concentration."

Better yet, substitute the ADHD medicine Adderall (amphetamine salts) for the Ritalin.

You'll be spanking for hours!

For the ultimate spanking experience, add a roaring fireplace, a good selection of slow blues and soul music, a bottle of Pouilly-Fuissé or Courvoisier "Napoleon" Cognac and an assortment of wonderfully wicked spanking toys and you will ...

... What?

... Are you kidding me?

... That article is really about spanking kids???????????

... That is disgusting! Sick! Depraved!

... Someone needs to call the authorities!

... What?

... Seriously?

... Oh ...

... I guess I should have actually read it. Oh well ...

Never mind.

Lets be honest ... I have ADHD. Ya, I know you're shocked but it's true.

So expecting me to read an article with a headline like A Spanking Might Beat Ritalin is like expecting a bear to just saunter past after you tried to disguise your scent by dipping yourself in honey. It ain't gonna happen.

Forget about the "kids" angle. Let's talk about adults.

I'm living proof that adults can have ADHD. And I will never support President Obama's health care initiative unless it covers ...

Ummm ...

Anyone? ...

Spanking better than Ritalin?

Oh ya! Thanks.

Adults do have ADHD. And adults do spank and get spanked. At least, that is what I've been told.

Is this doctor really trying to claim spanking can take the place of Ritalin?

Yes, a spanking from a talented practitioner can definitely improve concentration.

And, yes, I am sure many of you would gladly give up the occasional dose of Ritalin or Adderall for a sound thrashing.

That's all well and good but you are missing the bigger picture.

You, and the good doctor responsible for this outrageous suggestion, are thinking only of those getting their butts smacked. You are forgetting about the ones doing the smacking.

Yes, spankers with ADHD are inherently more creative than most, but take it from me - you DO NOT want to be spanked by someone who is off their medication.

The only thing you'd have left from safe, sane and consensual would be the "consensual," and if consensual still remained, your sanity would have to be questioned as well.

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